I think every few months I write a similar blog and bitch about being unsupported and trying to do everything I possibly can to meet everyone's standards and everyones expectations of me and also trying to pursue my goals of being a good mom, wife, friend, coach and athlete. I often fail to meet anyones expectations, I usually meet about 1/2 of them and I get constantly criticized for wanting to workout and needing to workout almost on a daily basis. People have often stated to me, " stop bitching about being behind on your chores or food shopping, etc, if you just didn't work out so much you would have plenty of time to yourself and be done with everything you need"
Well, in response to those several people, I say, " SCREW YOU". I'm tired of people telling me that, its not that I don't have time, for goodness sake I get up at 4:30am to do most of workouts so I have time during the day for my family and to do everything I need to do, however, that being said, if my family would cooperate and put laundry in the basket and not on the floor, dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink all the time, if they could actually hang a coat, put shoes away, actually help make dinner or maybe offer to grocery shop or fix a lightbulb or doing anything around the house that didn't involve personal gratification for themselves I think I wouldn't complain so much. Its hard to feel like you cleaned the same shit over and over again, it gets real old.
Now, after saying that a friend of mine said, " WEll, have you put your foot down, no TV if they don't do this, no dinner if they don't do that, etc..." Well, actually been there and done that. I've left dishes in a sink for a week and no-one did anything about it, laundry not done except my own and the kids and instead of offering to help someone just says, " how come I don't have any more laundry", " Why isn't there dinner cooked tonight", etc.....
I'm not saying I"m perfect, actually I'm far from it, I have lots to learn but I do try to make life easy for everyone surrounding me, probably to my detriment and its biting me in the ass and its hard to change people I have spoiled over the years. That being said, isn't it just common sense to just ask someone if they need help? Isn't it just common decency when your even a child when you see someone still working at 10p at night that maybe you might ask if they need anything?
These are just a few things I complain about they certainly aren't life threatening, I probably shouldn't bitch about them when there is so much other stuff going on around the world so far worse than I could ever dream of, however, its hard when you feel unsupported, its hard when you feel like you are all alone when you have these thoughts.
Its also hard to want to be the best athlete you can be and have no real support in that area, not caring about me getting in what I need to get in to do that, not appreciating that I try to not sacrifice family time for my workouts but there are times I need to and it comes with a load a complaints from everyone. I know I want to be the best mom and wife and all that stuff but I also want to do something that makes me happy, why is it so hard to do it, why do I have to work so hard to fit it all in? It gets really frustrating sometimes.
Ok, end of venting, life is just real busy right now and I want to do so many things that I can't and I'm sad sometimes. I know life does not revolve around me and I'm ok with that but sometimes I just need to vent about it.
Hi Donna - I think family just expects these things because we do them. You have a big family how about a board with a column for everyone and list what each person has done that day to be a team member - including you. Going on the thought that they like competition. You can decide if you want a reward for the most active team member or not. But maybe even the visual of what goes on to make a home would help. Hang in there they do come around.
ReplyDeletewhat a great idea Theresa I may do this, sounds good, I will keep you posted.
ReplyDeleteGosh I love your blogs! I think you need to cut yourself some slack. You said up there you try to be the best you can be for everyone. How about you just be true to yourself and be the best you can be for YOU? Give the kids some age appropriate chores, tell your hubby exactly what you want him to do(it took me a long time and one marriage to realize men can't read a woman's mind...go figure, must be that errant Y chromosome!), complain to those of us who live your vida loca and know exactly what you're talking about and will listen without judging and keep on working out just like you're doing because this is what helps you be the awesome mom/wife/friend/coach and athlete that you are!
ReplyDeleteKelley Philbin
I knew I liked you Kelley, thanks for the encouragement.
ReplyDeleteDonna, I'm a little bit late to this thread, but I just want to let you know what a fantastic role model you are as a coach, athlete, friend, woman, and mom. I'm all of those (except for the last), and I'm amazed everything you do with a smile, kind heart, and encouraging words. You are an inspiration!
ReplyDeleteAlthough I'm new to the sport, it came as no surprise to me that you'd be the one whose advice I sought out as I embarked on a new phase in my sporting career. I often find myself wondering, "what would Donna think about this," or "I better see if Donna thinks this is a good idea". Not that I'm not confident in my capabilities as a decision-maker, but rather, having the additional expert opinion that you offer, is a huge comfort. Around my house, long ago, you earned the nickname Mother Earth, because you always seemed to be able to do everything and anything you wanted, all while managing a very busy household. Hopefully it makes you feel as good as it did me when I heard Dan tell me that he had fun at exercise with "Coach Donna", that he wanted to go back because you even let him workout while reading a book.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone, your support is great. There will always be challenges that we are presented with on a daily basis but with good friends a solid family what else could a girl ask for. Thanks again.
ReplyDeleteDonna,
ReplyDeleteJust read your post as I googled for "Crazy, Insane Mother, Triathlete, & Wife". As the husband who unloads the gear at 4:30am, deals with the kids on race day, scrambles to and from transition to try and get pics, loads the gear back up and goes with out "foolin around" the entire weekend because she's 'spent', I often wonder if I do enough to support her. Like you, my wife is 40, although not a professional, she lives, breathes and craps triathlons and training. She busts her balls everyday, logging 20hrs a week training, but honestly (and this is very selfish), the man in me thinks, "...she has a house to run also and she is neglecting my needs to pursue her own desires, so screw it, I ain't helpin out". Crazy I know, but it's reality. As the husband of a tri-girl, it takes a lot to be more supportive and less demanding. Every week I work on trying to be more supportive and less selfish. Her first 1/2 Ironman is coming up in 4 weeks so I guess I better get my shit together...tune the bike, load the gear, get the kids, fill the cooler and cheer for my girl! Good luck with all your races this season!
Hi Donna, I often read your blog and while I'm late to this I wanted to know how much I feel your pain! I only have one little one but I work full time as a professor and chair of a department, we live in the US (we're from the UK) and I have a husband who works part time and who's in school. I'm so often left sad that I do so much to meet everyone's needs and yet so often I feel like I'm constantly falling-short. I feel under-appreciated, and yet while my husband does support me I'm the one up all night with the baby, earning the paycheck, picking up most of the chores, and yet I too feel passively criticized for training for tris. I think there is a double standard for mothers and fathers, and when my female colleagues ask me how I fit it all in, I hear in their question 'you must be neglecting your child, your work, your partner'. The reality is I am still a nursing, bed-sharing mama who is trying to do it all with 4am wake-ups to get anything in..
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you're not alone!!