Monday, February 21, 2011
I can't believe its been 5 years since I had my last baby, it seemed like I was pregnant for so long ( which I was, 4 kids in 4 years) but to not be pregnant for 5 years and have no other little ones running around seems so weird for me. I do look at my son and think, " Wow, when you were 4 last year I couldn't imagine having 3 little babies under him, which is what I had done", so surreal.
He had his first real " friends" birthday this past weekend, so much fun to have him playing with his friends and really establishing his own identity away from his brothers and sister, he's growing up. He's so beautiful inside and out, at times he's a little devil but all in all for, " Number 4" isn't there a movie now about #4, he's just fine.
What's also surreal about my little man turning 5 is that about 4 months after he was born I started my life back into fitness and losing weight and trying to get back into shape. I remember my mom coming to my first triathlon after having Cade ( the JCC in Marblehead) and I had to nurse him before going into the pool to swim and then by the time I was almost finished with the run my boobs were so big and he was getting so fussy, all he wanted was to eat. Boy was I happy to feed him after the race. I won't give you the gory details of what happened after unzipping the tri suit, does, " Niagara Falls ring a bell". Anyway, it seems so far away but still so fresh in my mind. I look back at pictures and I also remember racing that day at a nice weight of, " 177lbs". My max pregnancy weight was 210 and I'm now consistently around 139-140. I'm very proud of maintaining this weight and I'm very proud that after having 4 babies I was able to get the weight off and enjoy becoming an adult onset athlete.
I want to thank my 5 year old for lighting the fire in my gut and up my butt to get my ass in gear and get in shape. There are so many reasons why I love this little man and this is just one of many.
Happy 5th Birthday Cade. Mommy loves you.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I was taking Kota out for his nightly walk tonight when I noticed something red on his lame leg, I brought him into the house and noticed that there was a big bloody mass protruding from his knee and that most likely it is his tumor. I immediately started to cry knowing that this really was it, that no matter how else he might be feeling the cancer has taken over and its time to say goodbye. I can clean it up with all my nursing prowess and keep nice saline wet to dry dressings on his mass but in the end it is cancer and its only going to get worse. Right now he isn't suffering, he is eating and playing and still smiling, its time. I will let his day be his normal day with his friends tomorrow morning but I will spend quality time with him until we bring him in tomorrow night. I don't know how I am going to be but right now I feel such an emptiness in my heart and only wish I could have more time with him.
To my amazing dog Kota, you have given us 10+ years of love and joy, chewed up decks, dug up holes, missing underwear and socks all to come out in your poop the next day, you have suffered through the bloat, a splenectomy, ACL repair and urinary incontinence but you have given us all of your love and I will never, ever forget you. You were my first child that I had to take care of, my first real responsibility, you taught me how to love and to care, thank you.
We love you Kota.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Life has just been crazy since Christmas around this house.
With all the snow storms and school snow days, the pneumonias, the flus, the stomach bugs, the stitches, the ER visits, the part-time non-profit job, the husband going away for ~ 12 days in January, lets just say mommy is a little bit stretched out. Did I also mention my dog getting diagnosed with terminal cancer, the wetting of multiple beds, the leaky windows, the burst water pipe that leaked into my kitchen and my washer and dryer smoking and not working ( did I say I do at least 10-15 loads of laundry a week). I've almost reached the end of my rope, I haven't even slept through the night in I don't know how long. I'm tired....
I feel bad my kids have had a tough winter with sicknesses, I love them to pieces but this has been really hard on everyone. Trying to keep 4 kids happy when they are sick at home, unable to go out is hard. We don't have computer games, DS's or anything like that, we try not to watch too much TV in this house so board games, playing outside, listening to music, reading and art projects are what we do. I am at my last rope with all of these and really don't want to see Clue, Yahtzee, air hockey, ping pong and indoor soccer/basketball for along time. If my 4 cherubs would actually get along things would be different but they really don't, at least not for prolong periods of time.
So what does this mean to me, well, my workouts are mostly getting done, I can't say they are great, I miss a few here and there because I'm just so dam tired, I know I can get out to the gym when my husband gets home at 7-7:30-p but usually I just want to go to bed at that time. I usually can get up in the wee hours of the morning to bike or run but when you don't get to sleep through the night waking up at 4am just isnt appealing and my treadmill broke so I don't have one right now to run on.
I know I'm bitching and with everything going around the world these days this is so trivial, I feel almost guilty writing it. However, I get so depressed and upset with myself when I cant get in what I need from the workout front and subsequently I get frustrated with my performances, even in training. I'm almost glad that my race was rescheduled yesterday because when I ran yesterday I felt like a piece of shit and I know I would of had a subpar day on the race course.
I try not to bitch, I try to be positive but its February for goodness sake and Tri season is right around the corner. I need a break, I need some healthy karma to come my way for my family. I need my kids to beable to go to school 5 days a week both for my sanity and for theirs, I need my training to become more consistent. I'm just saying.....
Anyway, heres to all the multitasking moms out there who actually "make" it work, can you shoot me a response and tell me how you do it?